I Didn’t Know I Was Becoming Her Until I Was Her

When I first started reading tarot back in 2019, I didn’t realize I was stepping into something that one day would help me see that I was reshaping who I was. At the time, tarot felt like a tool to understand life, relationships, and patterns. In fact, for years I never even asked questions about my own life, this was out of fear I realize now, I always used it to help friends and clients. I had no idea one day it would become a mirror reflecting my own evolution so clearly that one day I would look back and realize I had completely transformed.

In those early days, I consistently showed up in readings as the Queen of Swords, often paired with the Knight of Swords. The Queen of Swords is sharp, intelligent, and perceptive. She values truth above all else and doesn’t sugarcoat her words. She is independent, emotionally detached when needed, and carries a kind of authority rooted in logic and lived experience. The Knight of Swords, on the other hand, is fast-moving, impulsive, and sometimes a little reckless—charging forward with strong opinions and a need to be heard.

Looking back, that was me. I saw the world in black and white. I said exactly what was on my mind, whether it landed well or not. I thought I had strong boundaries, but what I really had were walls in some places and a lack of protection in others. The truth is, the Queen of Swords is often misunderstood. She isn’t cold—she’s discerning. She has usually been through enough to know that clarity is safer than illusion. But I was still learning the difference between being honest and being guarded, between having boundaries and knowing where to place them.

Then life shifted in a way I could have never prepared for. My mother got sick, and at the same time, the world shut down during the pandemic. She was essentially dying while my wedding was postponed twice in a single year. It was a period filled with uncertainty, fear, and emotional overwhelm. (Spoiler alert—she’s still here)

But during that time, something inside of me cracked open. I went through what people call a dark night of the soul—my first true spiritual awakening. I became deeply sensitive to everything around me. I couldn’t eat meat because I felt such an intense connection to animals and nature. I would be working and find myself crying, daydreaming about deer in the woods, thinking about how, in older traditions, animals were honored, respected, and used fully with gratitude. My body was here, but energetically I felt like I was somewhere else entirely.

It was beautiful in a way, but it was also unbearable. My intuition and sensitivity were so heightened that functioning in everyday life felt almost impossible. That’s when I began showing up as the Queen of Cups.

The Queen of Cups is deeply emotional, intuitive, compassionate, and spiritually attuned. She feels everything. She is nurturing, empathetic, and connected to the unseen realms. When I first saw her represent me in a reading, I remember thinking, “Oh my God, I’m changing.” I was relieved to see evidence of being softer, more open, less harsh. It felt like I was reconnecting with my heart after living in my mind for so long.

For years, I existed as a blend of the Queen of Swords and the Queen of Cups—logic and emotion, boundaries and compassion, intellect and intuition. It was a balancing act that taught me how to hold both truth and feeling at the same time.

Then, a handful of months ago, something new emerged. I started coming up as the Queen of Wands.

This one surprised me. The Queen of Wands is magnetic, attractive, confident, warm, and full of life. She is the woman every girl wants to be. She walks into a room and doesn’t need attention—she naturally draws it. She is creative, expressive, and unapologetically herself. There is a fire in her that fuels her presence, her passion, and her sense of self-worth.

I had never seen myself that way before. But once I started seeing it in my readings, I began to embody it. It’s funny how that works—the more you recognize an archetype within yourself, the more you give yourself permission to become it. I could feel the shift in how I carried myself. There was a confidence that wasn’t forced, a sense of self that didn’t depend on anyone else’s validation.

It felt like reconnecting with a version of myself I hadn’t seen in years —the fun, vibrant version from my early twenties—but this time, she was grounded. Back then, I may have had moments of confidence, but they weren’t rooted in self-love. This time, they were. Even though parts of my life still felt like they were falling apart, I felt powerful as a woman. That fire energy—something I had never truly embodied before—was transformative.

Then came another shift. A quieter one.

During my second awakening, I began showing up as the Queen of Pentacles.

At first, I didn’t quite understand her. The Queen of Pentacles is grounded, nurturing, practical, and deeply rooted in self-worth. She values stability, comfort, and care—not just for others, but for herself. She creates safety, builds a life, and moves with patience and intention.

I’ll be honest—she felt unfamiliar, even a little boring to me at first. I was so used to intensity, emotion, or fire that her calm presence seemed almost uneventful. But over time, I began to understand her power. She is the woman who doesn’t need to prove anything. She knows her value. She listens. She nurtures. She responds instead of reacts. And most importantly, she doesnt need anyone to provide those things for her. It was kind of symbolic of the start of taking care of myself instead of relying on others.

There are so many moments now where embodying her has changed how I move through life—moments where the old version of me would have reacted quickly, spoken harshly, or created unnecessary chaos. Instead, I choose softness. I choose groundedness. And that has been one of the most important lessons of all.

All along, I knew that as a Life Path 3, I was associated with the Empress in tarot. The Empress is the embodiment of divine femininity. She represents abundance, beauty, creativity, sensuality, and self-worth. She doesn’t chase—she attracts. She receives. She is deeply connected to herself and, because of that, everything around her flourishes.

But for a long time, I didn’t resonate with her. In many tarot decks, she is depicted as pregnant, overflowing with life and creation, and if I’m being honest, that imagery never felt like me. It actually made me uncomfortable. I understood what she represented, but I didn’t feel like I was her. In fact, there were moments I found her almost… annoying. Effortless in a way that felt unattainable.

Looking back, I think I just didn’t see myself as someone who could hold that level of self-worth and softness at the same time.

And then, without realizing it, I became her.

She started showing up in my readings. Not as someone external, but as me. And it finally clicked. The Empress isn’t just one thing—she is the integration of everything that came before her. She is the wisdom of the Queen of Swords, the compassion of the Queen of Cups, the confidence of the Queen of Wands, and the grounded nurturing of the Queen of Pentacles, all existing in harmony.

I didn’t skip steps. I became each version of myself when I needed to. I learned what each archetype had to teach me. And in doing so, I slowly stepped into something fuller, softer, stronger, and more whole than I ever expected.

Now, embodying the Empress doesn’t mean I am perfect or that I have the perfect life or that I don’t still shift between these energies. I do. We all do. But there is a core within me now—a sense of self that is rooted in self-love, in worthiness, in trust.

And I know that in order to keep her, I have to stay true to myself. Because the moment I abandon myself is the moment I lose her. And I’m not willing to do that anymore.

The biggest shift for me, though, was understanding what the Empress actually is—and what she is not.

She is not just some kept woman who got lucky because she was born beautiful, married a rich man, and now gets to sit in a garden being adored while life hands her everything. That version of her is shallow, and honestly, it diminishes everything she represents.

The real Empress is a complete woman. She didn’t arrive at this version of herself by accident. She became her because she was willing to do the work—mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. She faced herself. She evolved. She softened where she needed to soften and strengthened where she needed to grow.

She is the mother, whether that manifests through children, creativity, or the way she nurtures others. She is also the CEO of her own life. She is intuitive and deeply connected, but also grounded and capable. She knows her worth without needing to announce it, and she carries herself with a quiet confidence that speaks louder than anything she could say. She gives respect, but she never sacrifices her dignity to do so.

And when it comes to love, she is not controlled, owned, or dependent. She chooses her partner—the Emperor—not out of need, but out of alignment. and Their connection is built on mutual respect and freedom. He does not cage her, and she does not diminish herself to make him comfortable. They stand beside each other, not above or beneath.

He provides for her not because she cannot provide for herself, but because he loves her and recognizes her value. And the truth is, she would still choose him even if he had nothing, because her love is not rooted in status or material gain. It is rooted in something deeper—something unconditional. And that kind of love fuels both of them. It creates fire, drive, and purpose within their connection.

Together, they don’t complete each other—they amplify each other. That is what creates a true divine union.

The Empress isn’t a princess waiting to be taken care of. She is a woman who became so whole within herself that everything she receives is a reflection of who she already is.